Lately, I've been feeling really sick. I've noticed a trend that when I watch a television special about a certain illness, I immediately realize I'm suffering from it and then can no longer function, but I'm sure that can be a coincidence. Obviously there's something wrong with me. I've got everything. I've got absolutely everything.
I've got high blood pressure, low blood sugar and average intelligence. I'm diabetic, hypoglycemic, neurotic with morning sickness. I have an enlarged heart, a swelling brain, tapeworms, I may be having conjoined twins and I think a tick has laid eggs in my lady parts. I have acid reflux causing me to eat to push the acid down so now I'm overweight and suffering from back pain and arthritis because of it. And I have cancer. Everywhere. Every single part of my body has cancer. Skin, liver, brain, bone, breast, leg, thigh, elbow, prostate.
The other night, I watched a special on the Discovery Channel (which should frankly be renamed "I Hope You're Not Eating Right Now") about polio.
And after the half-hour when I turned the television off and put the remote down, I could not walk.
So now there's a new flu coming out, similarly to the way a new High School Musical comes out every time you think it's safe to leave the house, and panic arises. Confirmed cases have popped up in Canada, and reports are coming out that we should be bracing ourselves from more severe, perhaps fatal cases of the new flu strain. Naturally, it comes from Mexico, because what else do the Mexicans do than steal our jobs, refuse to shower and make delicious, delicious salsas?!?!?!?!?!
Well, they kill us, apparently.
The symptoms are somewhat clear: chills, fever, exhaustion. It treats you like any other flu would.
Okay, so I for sure have this Mexican-Jerk flu.
I was walking outside today in the rain and I was freezing. I was shivering and sweating and it was completely contradictory, the way I'm sure a Mexican gypsy would have it. But how does the flu usually transfer? Touching? Touching something that the other person has touched before? This is like being in elementary school and not being allowed to eat peanut butter at all because some other kid would die if you touched them after eating it in the prior 24 hours. Honestly, if your child can't touch someone that has touched peanuts, your kid does not deserve to make it.
I digress: lets focus on my impending doom.
I bet this is going to turn in all the other epidemics that broke in the last 10 years in North America like SARS and Bird Flu and oh, uh, I guess that's the big two and how they were totally legitimate fears that the media didn't play up at all for the sake of fear mongering and that millions upon millions of people did in fact die and we all needed to be quarantined and it was exactly like 28 Days Later or maybe I'm taking about the sequel but ultimately the panic and precautions or lack thereof taken because it actually was nothing weren't at all gratuitous and profoundly dumb.
Yeah, this is going to be exactly like that.
I'm FUCKED.
Big S
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